Regret of the Day

I saw this while passing through a thrift shop today for a mere six bucks, but did not buy it.

If you don't click here to hear her speak, you hate freedom, you liberal pig.

The theme this week has sort of naturally evolved* into "the Wacky World of Video Game Schools, " which is unfortunate since I just finished a video game-themed week. Seriously, I'm not going to mention video games for the next week, but I saw this ad last night and it's too good not to post.

Following the link takes us to a site advertising such fine learning establishments as Kaplan University, the University of Phoenix, Westwood College, the Art Institute, and Full Sail. All that's missing is DeVry and ITT Tech.

I have several teachers who have mentioned that they taught at the Art Institute before coming to DigiPen. I don't know of any former Westwood instructors in my school, but the college's presence is still very much felt - even now, years after the debut of this infamous commercial, I still hear jokes about "tighten[ing] up the graphics" every few weeks, including an unexpected jab in the recent Wii and computer game "World of Goo" (which is awesome, by the way; if you have a Wii, you should download it). As for Full Sail, the school is widely considered our closest rival. I'm not sure what that means in this case. It's not like the schools are competing in football championships or something. I guess if any Full Sailors ever dock in Redmond, they better prepare for some punishment, Magic: The Gathering style, and if that doesn't scare 'em off, we'll challenge 'em to a game of Go. Ain't no rivalry like a nerd rivalry.

Like I said the other day, this is pretty much the competition. These are the other game development schools. So, yeah! Go, DigiPen! We're number one!

Of course, that still leaves Kaplan University and the University of Phoenix. What relationship does my rockin' college have to these? Uh, none, as far as I can tell. But at least the DigiPen Institute of Technology has a respectable name, uncluttered by that laughable "university" title.

Woo! Number one!

Survey time: Does anyone really believe that making a game is the same as playing a game? It's okay; you can tell me if you do. I mean, I'm going to mock you, but don't let that stop you. I just want to know... who came up with the idea that this is how it's done?

*Just kidding - evolution is a myth, made up by liberals who hate America.

And You May Find Yourself Living in a Shotgun Shack

In my first class today, I spied no fewer than three (3!) Starbucks beverages. This marks only the second time in more than three semesters I have seen Starbucks drinks within this school, despite DigiPen being located just outside of Seattle, at least two Starbucks locations within a 5-10 minute walk of the "art campus," and the fact that many of the people who attend this school are either college students or college professors.

In a later class, I overheard one student (who wasn't me) refer to another (who also wasn't me) as "so nerdy," and another student (still not me) agreed. This is... unprecedented. I don't think I've ever heard a non-me someone at this school ever use the N-word, and any time I've ever let it slip, I've been quickly reminded by a phalanx of geeks that everyone here is a nerd and that it's so EPIC FTW (giggle, giggle, snort).

The roommates are currently off at someone else's place training for a Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament in which they'll be competing tomorrow, so at least there is some order in this screwy universe.

You're It

Well, this makes for an unexpectedly smooth transition from yesterday, which is particularly convenient because, in fact, I meant to write about it more than a week ago.

Fortunately, I came across an article today that reminded me that this year's Independent Games Festival finalists were recently chosen, and, once again, my school has a game in the Student Showcase.

The game is Tag: The Power of Paint. You can click that link to go to the game's official site, where you can download it for free, but I'll warn you that you need a pretty decent computer. It runs on mine, but it's a little slow. I've tried playing it several times on the computers at my school, but they can't quite handle it, and always succumb to weird bugs and crashes. If you can't get it to run, or just don't care enough to try, you can also click "Media" and watch a video that shows the game being played from start to finish.

Truthfully, I couldn't even get through the video. The game's pace is a little slow and uneven, playing it is somewhat disorienting and nauseating, and I simply can't figure out why it's supposed to be more fun to paint a green spot on the ground, step on it, and fly through the air than to just hit a button and jump.

For those of you who haven't clicked any of the links, here's how it works. You're an anonymous someone stuck in an anonymous gray city with a gun that shoots paint. Step on green paint, and you jump. Step on red paint, you run. Step on blue paint, you stick, allowing you to cling to the sides of buildings or hang upside-down from ceilings. Use all three in combination to navigate the rooftops and reach a certain point in each level.

It's not my thing, though it's pretty impressive for a student game. The reason it matters to me, though, is that it's just one more success that's come out of DigiPen. Another IGF winner, another article about the games coming out of my school. Most of my school's success stories can be attributed to the fact that there's no real competition. There simply aren't any other schools that offer real degrees in gamemaking. Whatever the reason, there are successes at DigiPen, and this game, regardless of my opinion, gives me a little more hope that my degree is going to be worth something.

Would You Stop Playing With That Radio, Y'all?

Don't know if you've noticed, but I've gotten in this weird habit lately where I think I have to put lots of stuff on here in order to be a good blogger. On the contrary, it would probably be a service to all of you and all of me if I cooled it a bit with all those words and videos.

How 'bout a few pictures instead?


Nothing but sloppy, idle doodles. There are a few classes where I typically fill at least a page per lecture, and I mean fill to the point where I can't possible fit another line. Judging by the blank space, today's physics class must've been pretty enthralling. Oddly enough, my drawing skills tend to improve more in courses like this than in my art and animation classes, and my grades are generally higher, as well.

I've been playing a little Jet Grind Radio over the past few days, and I'm on a bit of a graffiti kick.

Now Available in Yellow and Purple

I have five pairs of 3D glasses on my desk. As I understand it, there was some sort of halftime show or commercial or something that was broadcast in 3D during the Super Bowl. I'm not sure; I don't get a TV signal here, and even if I did, I wouldn't watch the Super Bowl or any other sporting event. Whatever the case, the most highly-watched annual broadcast contained some snippet displayed in stereoscopic 3D, and, as a means of promoting the advertisement-filled show and getting advertisement-covered glasses to the masses, some gigantic corporation or another was giving away free 3D specs and I grabbed a perforated sheet of four pairs.

Great, so there's this 3D football commercial thing. Then, since so many people will have the glasses by now, anyway, there's some TV show that was on tonight or yesterday being aired in 3D. Makes sense.

Oh, and have you heard that every animated Dreamworks movie that comes out from now on will be designed from the beginning to be displayed in 3D?

And let's not forget the iZ3D computer monitor, the first monitor specifically designed specifically for playing stereoscopic 3D games, which has been on the market for a little over a month.

3D technology has improved a bit in recent years. Most likely this will turn out to be a quiet little fad. I'm not expecting anything to come from all of this, but all the same, I'm going to keep an eye on this 3D stuff.

If I get to see just one movie trailer where a whole audience is wearing cardboard glasses and then half of them spill their popcorn because a hand reaches out over their heads, I'll be satisfied.

Update: I stepped away from the computer for a moment after writing the above and it occurred to me that not only is it poorly written; it misses the point entirely. Let me take another shot at this.

3D glasses and 3D movies/shows/etc. are on a bit of an upward trend. The question of the above was, "What does it all mean and where will it lead?" This is the wrong question. What I should have asked was, "Who will it benefit?"

Will a rise in the presence of 3D benefit me? Yep, if only because I love the goofy retro appeal of slipping on my glasses and going to town to see a picture in the exquisite glory of 3D that the Space Age affords us good Americans, unlike those godless red commies.

Will it benefit you? Unless you share my appreciation for anachronistic technology and fads, probably not. Even I'll admit that stereoscopic 3D is Dullsville, daddy-o. Everything is dyed red and cyan (or, in the case of modern 3D movies, purple and yellow); you have to wear cheap, flimsy glasses; and, in most cases, the 3D effect just isn't that impressive. More than anything, 3D is fun because of the novelty. Take that away, and the whole thing is kinda stupid.

Alright, so who stands to gain? Intel, for starters. There the ones behind the yellow and purple "INTRU3D" glasses*, and you know that the R&D that led to a radical shift like "using something other than red and cyan" cost a pretty penny. They're invested in this, and they need to see a return. Technology on its own isn't that profitable. Being able to show something in 3D is good, but it's nothing compared to showing something that people might actually be interested in seeing. So there has to be a content provider. Dreamworks, perhaps...

Well, Dreamworks has always done relatively well, but there has to be some reason that they'd want to attach a gimmick to all of their new releases. This can be explained quite easily. Movie ticket prices are up, the economy's a mess, and watching movies at home - whether through DVD rentals, video streaming, or just substituting other things like video games or the Internet for time that might otherwise be spent at the movies - has done terrible damage to box office revenues. The INTRU3D Web site claims, "Consumers will get a premium experience when going to see 'Monsters vs. Aliens' firsthand in theaters March of 2009." In other words, if you go out and pay for an expensive ticket for every person in your group, you will get something you can't replicate at home.


*I'm making up all of this as I go along. I'm not doing any research, so Intel may, in fact, just be following a trend started by RealD. Maybe there's a third company I'm ignoring. Regardless, if you switch the names around a little, I bet the motivation still works out approximately the same way.

Update update: See, man, like, what you don't understand, bro, is, like, the corporations, man. Man, the corporations, like, rule the whole world, and you people don't even see it, bro. I've got this book, man, and, like... Man, if you people even knew half the stuff that the corporations did, man. Man, it would, like, totally blow your mind, bro. You gotta open your eyes, man, 'cause you don't even know about these corporations. Seriously, bro.

Quote, Buy, Huh?

Am I the only one who feels like I'm missing something when I see Esurance commercials? It's like I'm watching clips from the last episode, just trying to catch up with the plot. I don't even know half these characters. Is this the intent of the campaign?

What?

No. No, no, no. I'm so upset, I can't even tell you where this link leads.

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

"I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials"
This is a bit of an ambiguous one. First of all, it may be a legitimate statement, and not everyone who says this thinks they're being funny, but we've all met those people. Those people who start smiling as soon as you bring up the Super Bowl, or football, or televised sports in general, just waiting to bowl you down with their hilarious observations about how Super Bowl commercials are better than the game. Should you encounter one, take this advice: end the conversation before they begin detailed, giggle-filled recaps of each year's best ads.

Monkeys
I like monkeys. They're delightful, fascinating little critters, and some of them are pretty cute, too. They're like goofy little people with fur and tails, so it's easy to see why someone might find them funny. It's a shame that we're dealing with such ripe source material, because monkey's have been used as the default "wacky animal or word" so many times that all I can do is cringe when when someone makes a joke involving the poor mammals. Why, unfunny people? Why couldn't you leave monkeys alone?

Cheese
Like monkeys, this is one of those "crazy words" that some folks think will make their anecdotes and non sequiturs funny. Unlike monkeys, there was never anything funny about cheese. I thought we, as a society, had let this one go around the time we agreed, "Did I do that?" had gotten stale.

Internets
Here's a neat experiment: Next time you're talking to your friends, try guiding the conversation toward some facet of the Web. If any one of them laughs and "corrects" the word Internet with the non-word "Internets," congratulations - you need new friends. But before you can begin the search for a less repulsive clique, you can be sure there's another phrase on the way...

"...a series of tubes! [chuckle, chuckle]"
Ugh.

Epic Fail
Speaking of that sweeping network composed of electrical impulses and bits stored in a vast array of computers and servers connected by wires, modems, routers, satellites, and high-frequency waves, it certainly has propagated plenty of phrases and trends which in direct opposition to laughter, hasn't it? I live in a psychotic, nerd-monoculture, but I'm told their are places on Earth where the phrase "Epic Fail" has permeated real-life society. Declaring something "epic" is not, in any way, funny. Using the word "fail" as a noun or an interjection is not, in any way, funny. Hearing the two combined is the sort of thing that makes me compile a mental list of all the nearby places where I might dispose of a body without detection. Then I remember that no jury will convict me if the body is my own.

I considered, for a moment, compiling a list of all the trends the Internet has produced that aren't funny - using "lol" or similar abbreviations while speaking, repeating grammatically-poor phrases taken from captioned photos of kittens, reciting jokes from Webcomics - but I've come with a handy, catch-all guide. The more popular and trendy it is on the Internet (singular!), the less likely you are to die of old age if you say it in my presence.

Jokes about bringing/taking the weather with you during travel
No, I did not bring this weather with me. Yes, I did just travel from a place far enough away from here to have a distinctly different climate. Yes, I did meet with you upon arriving here. Yes, your bad joke is making me regret that decision.

"How's the weather up/down there?"
I'm sure someone, somewhere, has said something funny about weather before, but this most certainly was not it. It doesn't even make sense. I mean, sure, differnt altitudes are often subject to different weather, but have you ever shouted this question to someone on a different floor than you in an office building, or someone, I don't even know... on a ski-lift or something? I'm quite sure that if someone is within range of your voice, the weather they're feeling isn't terribly different from your own. Maybe if two people were at significantly different latitudes and they were talking to each other on the phone, this question might come up, but I believe that if you have to put this much effort into finding a plausible base for a joke about someone's height contrasting with your own, the joke isn't funny.

"Wait a second - we could..."
This one comes up in a lot of bad cartoons and movies that get thrown in the "Family" section of video stores. I'm talking about that one thing where two people are trying to come up with a clever scheme and one of them suggests an idea and the other one kind of ignores it or condesendingly mocks it, and then, right away, they say, "Hey, I have an idea! What if we...?" and then they repeat the other character's plan verbatim while the character who really thought up with the idea whines about how it was their idea (in which case the egotistical, plan-swiping character explains that he is the brains of the group and was the only one who could come up with such a brilliant strategy) or else tilts their head, mugs for the camera, and delivers a dead-pan compliment of the ingeneous plan.

I hate that thing.

"Why don't you tell us what you really think?"
I have to assume that someone once thought some of these phrases were funny at some time in order for them to gain such widespreade usage. Maybe this one snuck in with the Irony Boom in the early-'90s. Ah, it was a wild time. We were so carefree in those days, so happy to bathe in our pools of sarcasm. So greedy that we'd welcome any phrase with that seemed even slightly sardonic. So naïve, thinking only of the present moment, so lax in our security that we let this stinker through the gates of the collective lexicon with no means of stopping it once it moved we beyond our control. We were fools.

But as awful as it is to hear this phrase spoken, it is fun to watch the way this virus has mutated. Like I said, someone probably thought it was funny once. The sort of snappy comeback you might hear on a sitcom. That strand is still floating around, but what I like most is the new form. The ironic part of this phrase is so far gone, we've grown so immune to it, that sitcom writers now use it in dramatic moments to show the hurt and emotional depth of their characters. Watch out - it's a whole new, far funnier irony!

"Heh - yeah, no."
Maybe you haven't heard this. It's popular with the teenage girls these days. I'd explain it if I could, but I just can't figure out what's supposed to be funny about. There's a certain snotty cadence to it. As with most bad jokes, I can only identify it because the person saying it generally laughs afterward while eveyrone else painfully silent. I don't know how else to describe this phrase. If you've heard it, you know how anoying it is. If you haven't, don't worry. It'll be all over the Internets soon enough.