Bed Bed Bed

I've been looking for a bed over the last week or two. I've decided it's time to finally replace the spine-mangling lump of metal I currently use with a real, live mattress, but I can't afford anything new, so I've turned to Craigslist.

Here's the e-mail I've sent to people with promising ads:

Do you still have the twin-sized bed for sale? I'd like to check it out if possible.

Is there anything I should know about the bed? Are there any stains on it? Do you smoke or have any pets?

And perhaps most importantly, do you have any way to help move it? I don't have access to a vehicle that can carry a bed, but I'd be happy to reimburse you for your trouble if you do.

Thanks!

Typically, the response is something like this:

They r clean i dont smoke no stains there is one small tear in the box spring cover that u cant see with the mattress on top other then that good. Thanks Greg

Thanks, Greg. One li'l problem though - you kinda forgot to answer my questions. Some people, rather than directly answering any of my questions, will ask for a phone number so they can call me, or give a number so I can call them.

A typical call:

THEM: Hello? I'm calling about a mattress I'm selling on Craigslist?

ME: Oh, great, yes.

THEM: Did you e-mail me about a mattress that I'm selling on Craigslist?

ME: Yes, I did, hi.

THEM: Is this... Let's see... Is this Jake?

ME: Yep, that's right.

THEM: Hi, Jake, how are you?

ME: I'm fine, thanks, how are you?

THEM: Good, good. Okay, yeah, I got your e-mail about the mattress.

ME: Fantastic. Can I come look at it some time?

THEM: Oh, I'm not home right now. Can I call you back around 7:00?

ME: Uh, sure.

THEM: Alright good. Yeah, it's a really great mattress.

ME: Excellent. Oh, by the way, I mentioned in my e-mail that I don't have any way of moving a mattress on my own. Do you have a truck or some way that I can get it here? I'd be willing to pay a little extra if you do.

THEM: Oh...I can't fit it in my car. Do you have a truck or a van?

ME: Um, nope.

THEM: Where do you live?

ME: Redmond.

THEM: Yeah, I don't think I can get it to Redmond. Do you have any way of moving it?

ME: No, no I don't. Well, that's too bad. Thanks -

THEM: Well, do you still want to come out and see it?

ME: No, thanks a lot, though.

THEM: Oh, okay, yeah.

ME: Thank you. Goodbye.

THEM: Alright, bye.

The title of today's post is a song by They Might Be Giants. I tried to find a recording on YouTube, but couldn't find anything of very high quality. Luckily, I happened upon a more fitting video.