Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Jake's Guide to Gettin' Chicks

People often ask me, "Jake, how do you do it? How do you score all those hot lady-types?" I chuckle in response. It's not the sort of thing you can learn. Some of us are born with it, but even though you may not be blessed with my dashing good looks and winning personality, there are a few steps you can take to help make yourself more attractive to the birds.

All of these tips are in direct response to attempts various boy-people have made to woo a female friend of mine in the past week.

Set your sights on a girl who has a boyfriend
This is a fine place to begin. After all, if a girl currently has a boyfriend, it means she's both willing to be in a relationship and desirable. In fact, it feels a bit silly to even write such an obvious, logical tip, but you'd be surprised how often guys foolishly pursue the single ladies. For all of the following tips, I'm going to assume the girl in question is already dating someone else.

Cliché pick-up lines work
What woman wouldn't be swept off her feet upon learning that, given the opportunity, you would arrange the alphabet so that "U" and "I" might be together?

Mock her current boyfriend
As you're well aware, the only reason she's with him instead of you is that girls are too dumb to make sense of their own lives. A few constant reminders of her current boyfriend's flaws will surely convince her that she'd be stupid not to date you.

Tell her that her current boyfriend isn't good enough for her
She deserves better. She deserves someone with confidence, someone who isn't afraid to ridicule her current relationship. The beauty of this tip is that in saying her boyfriend doesn't deserve her, you imply that you do deserve her. How can she refuse you something you deserve?

Compare your relationship to The Notebook
Whether you mean the hit book by Nicholas Sparks or the major motion picture adaptation, this is sure to work! It's romantic and sad! Broads dig sensitive guys!

Be relentless
Does she know how you feel? Does she know that you want her to feel the same way, too? Has she talked to her boyfriend about you yet? Doesn't she agree that you're better than him? Can't she see how happy she'll be when you're together? Does she know how well you understand women? Did it hurt? When she fell from Heaven, did it hurt? When are you going to break up with him and give us a chance?

Persistence is the key. If you're not asking her these questions right now, you're only marginally better than her current boyfriend, who doesn't even love her as much as you do,

Give her space
Accept that she is taken... for the moment. He will mess up, though. And that is why it's your job to pull out chairs, laugh at her jokes, and make as much casual physical contact as you possibly can without looking too creepy. Then, when the time is right and that worthless boyfriend of hers makes a mistake, you're ready to be the friend she needs. The friend who never liked him, anyway. The friend who's always been there. The friend who was just about to watch The Notebook. Have you seen it...?


Anonymous said...

...and that's why Jake is single!

Jake said...

I just don't like the idea of being tied down to only one woman.

Anonymous said...

so true
works every time
-sister jack who is too tired to read words right now and wants to comment anyway

Jake said...

Yes, Jessie, you most certainly have a way with the ladies.