Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You're Toast

Continuing yesterday's theme of "Wow, man, I'm so impressed with every little thing in the world," I'd like to take a moment to express my love of toasters. They are da bomb.

First of all, let's all agree that the design of the common toaster is pretty brilliant. Not even the whole "hot, twisting wires bit that warm the air to heat your food" bit, but the design of the vertical-loading food slots. Genius! Well, maybe not genius, but clever and original, nonetheless. Think about it, if you had hot wires and you were asked to create some sort of device in which they could heat food, how would you do it? I bet you'd just copy the design of a conventional oven, wouldn't you? Maybe if you're a real radical you'd make some sort of clam-shaped, George Foreman thing, but don't even try to tell me that you'd make something like a toaster, because you wouldn't. Come on, I know you.

But someone did, and I salute them. I don't want to sound too down on toaster ovens - I like 'em alright - but the toaster oven has nothing on the toaster toaster. Let's break this down objectively.

First of all, a toaster oven has a door. This traps in heat, while the ordinary toaster is open to the surrounding air. Just the same, the toaster oven is filled with air, while the toaster is filled with toast. I don't know much about science. I haven't run any toast races between toasters and ovens. I don't know what's more efficient. What I do know is that the oven door stands between you and your toast, and that toast is better than air. Toaster wins this round.

Toasters do one thing: toast. Toaster ovens toast in addition to serving as tiny ovens*. Toaster oven wins, right? Wrong. You already have an oven. The toaster is focused. In these confusing times of telephones that can take pictures, play games, and even solve long division problems, isn't it comforting to know that your toaster will never do anything more than make toast, or possibly serve as a blunt weapon in matters of domestic dispute?

Rather than debating every way in which the toaster oven proves itself the premier toasting appliance of the modern kitchen, though, let's fast-forward to the only one that matters: It makes your food pop up. You drop in your bread, English muffins, or frozen waffles, adjust the power, press the plunger, and you're done. The toaster says, "Don't worry, bro, I got this." And when it's done, you get served. Pop!

And if you have a Hello Kitty toaster, even better.

*I've reminded myself of one of the best quotes I ever overheard while working at Target:

"Oh, it's a toaster and an oven!"


Anonymous said...

have you ever seen anyone toast a pop-tart in a toaster oven? NO! toaster wins again.
-sister jack

Jake said...

As a matter of fact, I've toasted many a Pop-Tart in a toaster oven, and ya know what? It's not as good.

Anonymous said...

you shouldn't do that