Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Take One Step, and Then Again

In these tough economic times, people around the globe have been left struggling in ways they've never known before, and I think I have just the solution: We need a new dance craze!

Maybe I've been hanging out with the wrong crowd, but I don't recall any dances hitting it big since The Macarena, and that was, what, ten years ago? The Cha-Cha Slide doesn't count because it was, I think we can all agree, tremendously stupid. That's not to say The Macarena wasn't stupid, but everybody did The Macarena. People are still probably doing the Macarena at your lamer weddings / coming of age parties / sporting events. Brooding teenagers would do it alongside their grandparents. It was a bridge. It brought us together.

We need more of that. Where is our "YMCA?" Where is our "Chicken Dance?"

Could this be a summer project for me? Choreographing the next big dance and penning the accompanying single? It's such a surefire get-rich-quick scheme I'd be a fool not to!

It doesn't stop there, though. For the B-side I'm planning the next great musical homage to dancing. Rather than boasting my prowess regarding the Mashed Potat'uh and the Alligat'uh, though, I will let the world know of my ability to do the dances featured in songs which encourage the listener to "Do the [particular dance]," followed by instructions for said dance.
  • The Twist
  • The Locomotion
  • The Bartman
  • The Mario
  • The Hustle
  • The Hokey-Pokey
  • The Bunny Hop
That's already half a song! Cha-ching!

Interesting side note: "Do the Bartman" off of the DJ Jazzy Jeff produced album "The Simpsons Sings the Blues" was ghostwritten by none other than Michael Jackson. I find this odd because the song contains the line, "If you can do the Bartman, you're bad like Michael Jackson." So, unless that line was added to the song later, Michael Jackson was bragging about himself in a song he wrote but didn't publicly claim as his own.

Bonus trivia: Jackson appeared in an early episode of The Simpsons, voicing a character in a mental institution who thinks he's Michael Jackson. His high-pitched voice and talent for writing music convinces Springfield that he really is MJ, until later in the episode it's revealed that, no, he's just a crazy person. So Michael Jackson played a character who played Michael Jackson, but Michael Jackson did not take credit for his voicework in the episode.

Complicating matters a bit more, Bart spends the aforementioned episode proving his limitless adoration for Michael Jackson, and, as stated above, proclaims some love in "Do the Bartman." Later in the series, however, he claims, and I paraphrase, Michael Jackson is just something made up by grownups to scare little kids.

Now you have a story to impress your coworkers next time things get quiet around the water cooler, though, do offices even have water coolers any more? It seems like water bottles would've more or less killed them off by now.

Text it to your coworkers' Facebook pages.


I want my free water how I want it. said...

We have this giant water filtration thing (plugged into the water line, not an ozarka jug) and ice maker way far away from the main office area. You have to take your own cup and fill it, and the ice melts instantly because the water is pretty warm.
I would say it discourages, rather than encourages, socialization and hydration. Oh, and we have two water fountains right by desks, but they taste so terrible, no one uses them.

But I think we're the exception, not the rule.

Jake said...

Yeah, I didn't even mention water fountains. I think the world is mostly over them. Maybe there are rural places where they're all the rage, or with kids under ten, but do you know anyone who doesn't think they're gross? They're a last resort at best.